On Saturday morning, I danced at the Bellydance Spring Fest. We danced 2 dances and by the time I was finished I was exhausted. It's alot of work! I usually try to take a snack or 2 with me because I like to stay a little while and watch the other dancers but this morning I forgot. I was so concerned with remembering all my props, my sword, my zills, etc, that I forgot to grab something to munch. I was soooo hungry by the time I left that I was vulnerable to Ronny's call...he's so persuasive, charming, so beguiling that you don't see the real him until it's too late! I told myself that it was just 1 time and that it didn't mean anything but down deep I knew I was wrong. It had been so long since I'd felt his touch I was quivering with excitement. I argued with myself, back and forth, until finally.....I resisted! it took all the strength I had left in my body but I thwarted his efforts! I was so proud of myself! I had Astro Burger instead! Les

Who cares?!?!

There once was a girl named Patty,

who became a big ol' fatty.

Her weight was so bad,

she started to look like a lad...

God damn that dumb Dyke Patty...

-The End

I love this one...

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on! And doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

FBA Logo

E-Merging News!

Feel lucky that you are the first to know the news of the newest hot couple, Patty and Vin Diesel! Patty and Vin met at the Gold's gym, and rumor has it they are now a couple. Patty has a hard time dealing with the media and photos, but they still find time to workout together several times a day and have been caught together in the following photos.

We'd like to wish the couple the best of luck in their exercise ventures together, and a very happy future together!

February...

So, where did everyone go?  We were doing so well... Patty got sick - people got busy - and the fitness minutes just collapsed.  Come on everyone, get back up on the horse.  I want a shiny calendar... I want the stars to gleam from the page!!  I don't want to see the FBA Go MIA... So, come on everyone!  Get some Dang Stars on the Charts!!

Don't Fall off the Wagon!!

I know that it has been just over 5 weeks for out little group.  Our star chart is starting to grow dim... but now is NOT the time to fall off the wagon ladies.  

Make sure that you are drinking all of your water, that you are getting to the gym whenever possible, and that you are maintaining those portion controls that you have set for yourself.

We are all doing a great job so Keep up the good work!

((Taps Microphone))

Tap

Tap

Tapperooni

Anyone out there??

CRAP!!

(Leaps from moving wagon)

Tale of the Tortoise and the Hare

Shape

Shape[sheyp]- noun, verb, shaped, shaping.
the quality of a distinct object or body in having an external surface or outline of specific form or figure.

(Thank you Dictionary.com)

So, it happened yesterday. I noticed it out of the corner of my eye. Shape? No.
I have an excellent imagination. So, I put on my (not form fitting at all) orange T-shirt and went on with my workout. I thought about it a couple times last night, but I didn't want to find out the image in the corner of my eye was wrong. Besides, the scale says that nothing has changed.

But then it happened again. This morning. As I was putting on my non form fitting green top, because you have to look nice on Hair Zappy Day (Oh you all know what I am talking about so I will SO not explain further on this one),  I walked past the mirror again. What was this?!?!? SHAPE??? CURVES?!?!? DEFINITION?!?!!  WHAT?!?!?

Okay, so I've always had a shape (if you consider blob a shape), but having curves start to show up on my arms, gaining definition, well - that's PRETTY Dang Exciting!!

I'm psyched. Like totally OMG Legally Blond psyched!

Take that you stupid scale. You may not have moved at all, but I'm getting SHAPE! I don't care what you say! I saw it myself. Okay, okay, I'll admit, I have a REALLY good imagination but whatever, I'll go on with my disillusionment if I have to. I have SHAPE!!!

Ok, now back to work for me...


Moral of the story- The scale doesn't always tell the truth (and something about a tortoise and a hare, but I'll get back to you on that one).

Helpful stuff

Hey my little FBA friends, how you be hangin'? I am just sitting here thinking of all you lovely ladies at 10:30 at night! *Creepy smile*

... Anyway... So it's been a whole MONTH since we started this diet, crazy hu? We have all been doing really well, and we're already turning into some super sexy senoritas! I think it might be a good idea to start blogging about how far we have come this past month. This way we can keep track of our progress. I usually weigh and measure myself every Sunday. I wasn't able to measure myself this last Sunday, but I measured myself today and so far within the first month I have lost 1 inch around my waist, a little over 1 1/2 inches around my hips, and have lost 10pounds. I have NEVER lost 10 pounds with any diet... unless you consider the flu a diet... Everyone has been doing a great job with staying on track, I am very proud of you! ^_^

On a side not, most of you are already using spark people which is perfectly fine if that's working for you. I am not too big on that website, as I have fell in love with a better site! www.webmd.com it's fantabulous!! I was just looking at these cool little tips they have on their site about what kind of foods help boost energy, what to avoid, and what "bad" foods you can have within reason. I actually learned alot, if you're interested you should check it out, here is the link: http://women.webmd.com/family-health-9/slideshow-eat-healthier-family

You can also take their little online assessment. It asks what your goals are, what you are wanting to change, it takes in account your activity level, and all that other junk and what not. Then it will create a plan for you as to how much weight and how many pant sizes you can lose within a certain peroid of time if you stay on track. If any of you are interested here is the link: http://www.webmd.com/diet/diet-health-check/default.htm

They also have a food and fitness planner where you can track your meals and activity level: http://www.webmd.com/diet/food-fitness-planner

Love,

Dexter

Ps. Ha! I Bet you didn't see that one coming... did you?!?! I know it was wrong to pretend to be my human... but I mean really... she posts the most random stupid crap on here, she is so lame! Someone had to do something to help her out... what?!... I am just saying!.. Anyway, I better go. I have a very busy day ahead of me tomorrow... you know waking up at noon, take my morning poo, eat, drink, nap, poo, eat, poo, drink, poo, and did I mention poo? Yeah... seeee ya!

-Meeeeeeow

...Would YOU lke to help me meet my weightloss goals?...

Did you know that 95% of people diet the wrong way? Which 95% of the time only leads to frustrating and upsetting results. What if I told you that you could eat pizzas, doughnuts, deep fried cheesecakes, ice cream, burgers, or even ice cream burgers while acheiving that slender sexy beautiful body you've always wanted? It wont be easy, but it will be MUCH easier than what you're doing now. All you have to do, is sacrafice one of those skinny b****** to the Almight Fat Gods! You must be saying, "Seriously? WHERE IS MY HACKSAW?! Bring it on!!"

How do I get started?: Select your weapon of choice (personally I have trouble deciding between the machine gun, or the bazooka.) Once you have chosen your deadly instrument, venture forth to find one of those skinny b***** (they are your enemy.)

Where can I find some skinny minnies? :They are everywhere really... Chances are you may already know a skinny whore that has either stabbed you in the back, called you a name, or even looked at you funny at one point... and if that's the case... game on! Otherwise, you can always go to popular skinny people hang outs, such as: The Gym, The mall, swimming pools, Nail or Hair salons, or even proms (there are no age limits when it comes to sacrificial givings.)

How long until I see results?: Once the sacrafice has been made, you will typically see results the very next morning. Most people lose up to 5 pounds per sacrafice. If you want to lose more simply go sacrifice another skinny minnie, it's that easy! If your goal is to lose 50 lbs then on average you will need to sacrafice around 10 skinny minnies.

Once I have reached my weightloss goals, will I have to continue sacrificing to avoid additional weight gain?: Unlike the Atkins diet where you stop eating carbs completely for a few months and lose tons of weight... then introduce carbs into your daily meals again and balloon to the size of a mini van. We understand that you're only killing people now to get what you want... it doesn't mean it should have to be a life style change! So you can simply sacrafice what you need, and then move on with your life!

Is there a limit as to how many I can sacrafice in a day?: Of course not! You can do it all day if you wanted... whatever floats your boat. That being said, you do not want to die of a scraficial overdose... trust me it's not pretty... so just take it one at a time. I have also found that with these skinny minnie sacrafices, that fresh is best... (just like any meat) However, in effort to save time it's best to get them in bulk... You can use what you need at the time and then just freeze the rest for when you are ready for them. Thawing does present a bit of a problem though... but just play around with it, and see what works for you.

(Personal results may vary, please consult your physician before beggining any sacrificial routine.)

Water Aerobics Review

Ok - I'll admit that I am probably the youngest one in the Water Aerobics class - ... -
I will admit that deep water activity is something that I find appealing
AND - I will admit that I don't mind the smell of BenGay so much anymore...


However, let me just say that you have to be one tough cookie to take on water aerobics. Don't you dare let those little old ladies fool you... don't you do it!  I've only been one time this week, and it's kicking my butt.

You have to put on this belt to stay afloat - at first, I scoffed at the belt, thinking - "I don't need this !! I am a competition swimmer for crying out loud!!" - but if I didn't have that belt on my body Monday night I would be sleeping with the fishes right now.  Two days later and another routine tonight, and I am still feeling the hurt that they put on me on Monday night. And those old ladies sure did put a hurt on me...


They are tough - they are mean - and they are a work-out force to be reckoned with.  I guess if I survive the week it will be a testament to my strength - but I want to confirm that I will be whimpering and whining the whole way - because I know the torture that lies ahead - and it ain't pretty ladies... It ain't pretty.

The Power of the Mind!

I was actually going to say something smart-ass, you know me :-), but I decided to that this needed to be said more...you are all fantastic! You're working so hard and having so much fun with this diet/healthcare thing that I just wanted to let you all know that you rock! It's only been 2 1/2 weeks, don't get discouraged, you're all doing so well! You impress the hell out of me! I wish I had 1/2 as much willpower as you all do! hugs and kisses

Goals? What are those?... They sound delicious!!

My #1 goal is obviously to look human again, but the biggest goal I have so far is that I would like to get excited about a man... to be as excited about the opposite sex as I am about food. I don't even know if this is possible without having to dress them up as a brownie or chocolate bar.... but you know... baby steps...

So my cousin is getting married in June, and my mother is getting married in September... and there is no way that I am going to these weddings looking like the disgusting fat slob that I am now! I already dry heave when I look at my recent photos, and currently these weddings are the only things that can keep me away from the deep fried cream filled 5 layered chocolate doughnuts... *drools*

Worse case scenario I can always sew my mouth shut... or go on that new crack diet that is sweeping the nation.

Anyway, attached is one of my before pictures for your enjoying pleasure...

*Think thin thoughts.... think thin thoughts!!*

Yum Dum Recipes

I am always on the look out for new things to make. Yummy, healthy things are even better.

I love the magazine Shape and am an avid reader for tips and advice and to ogle at the hot bods as inspiration.

I have decided to share this gold mine with you if you aren't aware of it yet and get sick of trying to think of new healthy things to make.

(For me when I have to think too hard ,usually results in me splurging and digging head first into my cupboard to eat some Oreo s I have stuffed in the back and forgotten about for a yr.)

http://www.shape.com/weight_loss/recipes

Check, Check, Check it out.

Spark People

Seriously:

NUTRIENTS:	GOAL	TODAY
Calories:	1,280 - 1,630	441
Fat:	28 - 63	4
Carbohydrates:	144 - 265	77
Protein:	60 - 143	23

The Nutrition Calendar is awesome... with the way that it tracks the foods and what I need to have and what I am doing... :) WAY AWESOME.  Great suggestion from Patty and I think that we all should do it... NOW... 


Ok - so, I am getting off of the soapy box.  More of you need to post.  It's not supportive if one person is posting and everyone else is just hanging out reading... :) I want to hear what you ladies are up to!  COME ON - post!!!

Dear Patty,

Sure, I'll admit, my illustrious stairs are never ending - just like the pleasure-- it too is never ending... When you step on me, you step on the never ending pleasure-way to heaven.  That's why they write songs about me... you know "Stairway to Heaven" - heck yeah, that was written all about yours truly.

I know you are angry at me now, but just think of all the good that I am doing for you - those thighs and legs and buns will look Phenomenal  by the time I am through with you!  For me, there is nothing better than being stepped on, and I know you secretly think about abusing me.  Do IT!  COME ON!  DO IT PATTY!  ABUSE ME! USE ME!

And that timer issue?  That's totally NOT me - it's your subconscious - extending the time that it wishes to be close to me.  You and I, we are like schoolchildren, openly hating each other, and on the inside we just can't stay away... and I don't want you to stay away from me, Patty my Lovekins... no no - I want you to come back for more!!  That's why you wrote me, I know it... I know that you wrote to me because you just couldn't stop thinking about me.  I'd even wager that you woke up thinking about me!  I know your body probably shivered as it rolled from the bed, weak from the effects that I have on you... Yeah - I rock like that.

When you say "I Hate You" I know you really are saying "I Love You" - And, I love you too!  I will see you in a couple of days when you calm down and realize that I am the ONLY Machine for you.

(Sings)

I'll Be Waiting

(singing still)

At the Golds Gym...

KISSES

Stair Master Machine

Motivation

FYI I am not sure if you girls are interested in this kind of stuff or not. But www.SparkPeople.com is a good way to track meals, set goals, look up workout routines, get tips, and much much more all online for free!

But I also really like WebMD.com it's also really easy to work with, and you pretty much get the same stuff with SparkPeople.com... Anyway, just wanted to let you all know that... so yeah... I am going to go now...

Ps. Check out the motivational clip below! You can do it ladies, shed those pounds, SHED THOSE POUNDS!! :D

Stair Master of Doom

Dear Stair Master,

If I could imagine a hell... it would be you... that's right... you and your never ending stairs!! The only thing that would make the nightmare of you more complete, is if you somehow simulated a cheeseburger at the top of the stairs as a cruel joke! It's hard enough going up a regular flight of stairs... let alone stairs that are moving at inconstant speeds! I know you enjoy watching the horror on my face when I look down at your timer and say, "IT'S ONLY BEEN 30 F******* SECONDS?!" *Stair Master Laughs maniacally*

Oh, and by the way... I am on to you! I know that somehow you're slowing down your timer. It would be easy for you do this considering you're the devil and all... I hate you Stair Master... I HATE YOU!!

Ps. Watch your back.

Hating you always,

Patty

HELP MEEEE!!

I got the following E-mail Today...
 My sister, Sarah, and I are selling girl scout cookies.  We can takes orders starting January 16th.  This year they are letting us send out emails and gather orders that way as well as go door to door.  They like how much safer gathering email orders is.  The cookies are $3.50 per box.  Money will be collected when the cookies are delivered the first week in March.  We would love to sell you a box or two for your eating enjoyment.  Each box you buy helps us earn money for camp and other Girl Scout activities.  


I Am Torn!  What do I do? I want to help the lovely girl scouts who, each year, have helped me out of my diet!  I want to have 20 boxes of thin mints STASHED in my freezer for a rainy WEEKEND where I just sit and indulge in their goodie goodness.

This year they are starting earlier than before because of internet / e-mail ordering... and I know MANY a girlscout out there.  (Hiding under table) I believe that they have me targeted! (Gives that wild eyed look) - I believe they truly target those of us that are trying to do better with their cutie smiles and their delicious cookies!

So, I need suggestions... what do I do when they come knocking?  They all know that i have a policy of ONE box of cookies per girlscout that I know - but that's about 20 girlscouts!!  HELP MEEE!!

The FBA 10 Commandments

ONE: 'You shall reach all of your weight loss goals.'

TWO: 'You shall photoshop or visualize yourself as one of those "skinny b******!'

THREE: 'You shall not take the name of your FBA Group in vain.'

FOUR: 'Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it hoppin'... shed those pounds shed those pounds!!'

FIVE: 'Honor your fruits and vegetables.'

SIX: 'You shall not murder anyone in the FBA Group.'

SEVEN: 'You shall not commit adultery with any fast food chain, unless accompanied by an FBA Member to manage damage control.'

EIGHT: 'You shall not steal unhealthy foods or snacks from the fridge, cabinets, or trash.'

NINE: 'You shall blog or share your success stories and offer support and/or encouragement amongst your FBA Member's.'

TEN: 'You shall not covet your FBA Member's weight loss successes, your FBA Member's house, nor her male servant, nor her female servant, nor her ox, nor her donkey, nor anything that is your FBA Member's.'

Good Bye Dr. Pepper

Dear other Contributors,

I Would Just like to point out that Patty is Right - Wendy is a Whore - she's a dirty, rotten, cheating, misleading, double-dealing, skinny whore - and I am no longer going to be in cahoots with the likes of her!

Here is her picture!  View it well and tell ALL of your friends about her double-dealing, pretend "Healthy" menu... Don't fall for it !!  Don't fall for Her... REDHEADS Are NOT more fun!

That being said - my Love Affair with Dr. Pepper (Hear the sizzle in the background followed by that "Ahhhhh")  has officially ended.  He was sleek - sexy - tasty and satisfying on those hot, sticky summer days when nothing else would cool me off or refresh my taste buds.  Breaking up is totally hard to do, but I am finding that my love affair with extra large soda's is making me extra large myself.

Albert Einstein once said : “The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life. Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat.”

  SO, that being said, even though I enjoy the comforting feel of Dr. Pepper, running down my throat, I cannot justify continuing a relationship with him, or his friends (Yeah, that's right Coke - you are SO gone... and PEPSI, I KNOW you are the "Choice of a new generation" but, you and I will duke it out if you even ATTEMPT to tempt me again).


Glad to know that I have this understanding group to turn to in this time of need.  Happy Fat Blasting to you all.

Ciao!
A

Confession is good for the soul...

As long as we're confessing, and this is very difficult for me...I've been meeting secretly with...Ronald McDonald! I know, The Horror! I'm ashamed to say that he makes my heart pound and my mouth water when I know I'm going to be seeing him soon. Every time is like the first time for us. His 'Special Sauce' touches my insides where no other man ever has before. His welcoming arms rap me in a cocoon of yummy tastiness and satisfy my every need. I know that he's bad for me but how can anything that feels that good be so bad? I know that I must tell him goodbye but I don't know if I can...(please stay tuned for more episodes of The Fast Food Conspiracy) Les

We have something in common.....

Dear Patty,

I understand your relationship with the King... I guess I never told you that before I met Clint, I dated the King for quite a while, and reaped all of the benefits of free fried food anytime day or night.... at first the relationship was great! No cooking, easy cleanup, and a total bliss of yummyness.... After all, it was convenient to see him whenever I wanted, since he was just around the corner from where I live. He definitely helped me satisfy my cravings for all of the greasy goodness that comes with a Whopper and a King size fry. I soon felt that my relationship with the King was reaching an unhealthy point when I could no longer unscrew the mayonaise jar or squeeze the Ketchup packets into a bowl ( I no longer had the energy,) to mix up and create my fantastic fry sauce concoction..... since Burger King was one of the only fast food places in Salt Lake that didn't provide you with a cup of the delicious dip for your hot yummy fries. :-( This definitely caused a problem in our relationship, and I eventually began looking elsewhere for happiness. Above is the last picture of our happy days together.....

The King soon found out that I was Cheating on him... not with another man, but with a familiar female named Wendy! She had other yummy choices to offer me, like all you can eat Chili goodness on a baked potatoe with sour cream and chives and the unforgettable Frosty... (and that was a whole other story that we won't get into now.)

Anyways, I understand how you feel Patty. Since joining the FBA and having you and this group's wonderful support, you all have brought me to the understanding me that cooking my own.... fresh and healthy meals.... and having a gym pass that I actually use regularly..... that I can have a happier life and relationship with myself... I have began to taste the new lifestyle change of Wellness! And soon enough we can change the name of this blog from the FBA Situation blog, to the SBA Situation blog, and put pictures of our skinny little asses in sexy swimsuits on here, (like Sayward!)

Love you all, and a Happy Fat Blast! ;-)

Suni

Burger King

Dear King,

Oh, how I miss your juicy flame-broiled beefiness . It's been over 3 days since we've been together, and already I find myself waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, longing for your comforting touch. Unlike other fast food chains, you understand the meaning of the word "burger." A Burger should never be so small that you can handle it with just one hand... but big enough so that it takes 3 people to take on it's magnificent size!

You never judged my love handles, triple chins, or muffin top... in fact you encouraged them. You love a girl with some meat on her bones, and I loved your meat... You taught me how to get it my way, like a number 1 with extra pickle, cheese, and mayo, oh and don't forget the hershey pie... You were always there for me in my time of need and sometimes even 24/7.

However, I am sad to say that our journey has come to its end. It's not you... it's me... okay your right, it's you... I can't be with someone who puts me at risk for heart disease, diabetes, or a permanent fat suit. Please know that I will always have strong feelings for you, and you will always be on my mind, but the truth is you're not healthy for me... or my two asses.

Who knows, maybe in a few years we will see each other again and laugh about all the good times we had together. I wish you nothing but the best and a lifetime of happiness.

Yours truly,

Patty